UCSD Extension Critique of Classmate's Feature Story Hook

Critique of Eadoh’s Progressive Feature Story Assignment #1

Check out Eadoh's website: [Website] (https://eadohreshef.wordpress.com/)

Eadoh’s Hook

Beach-time fun is an attractive activity choice this summer, with COVID-19 rendering indoor activities generally unsafe. However, beachgoers around the United States have been less than excited about some new faces showing up this year. Around the country, Great White Shark sightings have increased dramatically. In New York, shark sightings have doubled from last year. In California, multiple cities reported sightings near popular beaches. The first ever fatal shark attack in Maine occurred at the end of July. occurred at the end of July. All this has left many wondering if this year can get any worse.

Critique

Interesting topic! I’m a little scared myself now knowing that there are more shark sightings by the beach. The word choice of the last sentence of the first paragraph helped emphasize that danger. However, I think the emotional pull could be stronger still by adding concrete numbers. While it’s mentioned in the second paragraph that shark sightings have doubled from last year, I don’t necessarily know if that means there were just two sightings this year and one last year or 40 sightings this year and 20 last. Adding that detail would add a lot more weight to that fact, so see if you can do something like that. That being said, I appreciated the series of very frightening facts in the second paragraph.

From what I read, my guess is that the story is going to talk about the shark sightings and why they may be increasing; the other guess is that the story is detailing how the year is probably getting worse in terms of sharks (oh no!). If that’s what you were going for, then good! I thought I’d put my train of thought so you can see what an example reader could think.

Small nitpick, but it’s just something with framing the start of the story. While indoor activities are discouraged, I think that people should already be dissuaded from going to beaches because of the close social contact people would have that could lead to Covid-19 outbreaks (not that a lot are following the guidelines anyway). For your story, I think you’d have to warn people away from going to the beach regardless – but that’s up to you to decide.

Good luck, and let me know if you have any questions 😊